On the fear of unhappiness.

Lately, my life has been turbulent.

Actually, “lately” is too constrictive of a term — the last two, maybe three years of my life have been turbulent.

Even now, facing a tangible path and a concrete plan for the next few years (some direction, as opposed to the past year of floating about in uncertain space) — even now, I find myself doubtful. And more than that, I find myself afraid.

What I find myself afraid of–more than any of the multitude of other things I should understandably be afraid of–is that the decisions I make and that the steps I take will lead me to a life in which I am not happy. And I know, I know: “you make your own happiness!” But– But– But what if I can’t? What if I regret the choices I am making today? What if I fall so deep down the rabbit hole that there will be no way of backtracking to something that actually makes me happy?

I think this fear is at the root of my entire problem. For the past few years, I have been so afraid of making the wrong decision that I consistently fucked up my chances of making any decision.  And now, when a decision has been made, I am second-guessing myself and by extension setting myself up for failure. Or at least unhappiness.

What I have to constantly try to remind myself is that no matter what happens, I can always change my path, and that any experience I will have will benefit and enrich me as a person.

Fear is a powerful thing. Fear of unhappiness even more so. But living in constant fear of not being happy is a self-fulfilling prophesy–there is no way I could be happy living with that constant fear. Instead, I have to remember that my life will not be defined by my career but by the people (and dogs!) I choose to surround myself with and the activities that I choose to engage in. (Which, admittedly, makes me feel very pressured to make great friends and find fulfilling hobbies–but that’s beside the point).

The point is, everything will be OK.

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