On the fear of unhappiness.

Lately, my life has been turbulent.

Actually, “lately” is too constrictive of a term — the last two, maybe three years of my life have been turbulent.

Even now, facing a tangible path and a concrete plan for the next few years (some direction, as opposed to the past year of floating about in uncertain space) — even now, I find myself doubtful. And more than that, I find myself afraid.

What I find myself afraid of–more than any of the multitude of other things I should understandably be afraid of–is that the decisions I make and that the steps I take will lead me to a life in which I am not happy. And I know, I know: “you make your own happiness!” But– But– But what if I can’t? What if I regret the choices I am making today? What if I fall so deep down the rabbit hole that there will be no way of backtracking to something that actually makes me happy?

I think this fear is at the root of my entire problem. For the past few years, I have been so afraid of making the wrong decision that I consistently fucked up my chances of making any decision.  And now, when a decision has been made, I am second-guessing myself and by extension setting myself up for failure. Or at least unhappiness.

What I have to constantly try to remind myself is that no matter what happens, I can always change my path, and that any experience I will have will benefit and enrich me as a person.

Fear is a powerful thing. Fear of unhappiness even more so. But living in constant fear of not being happy is a self-fulfilling prophesy–there is no way I could be happy living with that constant fear. Instead, I have to remember that my life will not be defined by my career but by the people (and dogs!) I choose to surround myself with and the activities that I choose to engage in. (Which, admittedly, makes me feel very pressured to make great friends and find fulfilling hobbies–but that’s beside the point).

The point is, everything will be OK.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s